{"id":14785,"date":"2019-08-16T03:33:27","date_gmt":"2019-08-16T03:33:27","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/iamsignificant.ca\/?p=14785"},"modified":"2019-08-16T15:34:04","modified_gmt":"2019-08-16T15:34:04","slug":"an-open-heart-even-when-its-breaking","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/iamsignificant.ca\/home\/featured\/an-open-heart-even-when-its-breaking\/","title":{"rendered":"An Open Heart even when it’s Breaking"},"content":{"rendered":"

[August 6, 2019]<\/p>\n

The test results got flagged. \u00a0In short order, she was in another city for hi-res diagnostic imaging. The radiologist enters the consulting room. \u00a0You could tell the news wasn’t good, especially when it starts with “I’m so sorry…”<\/span><\/p>\n

Within a week she was scheduled for a biopsy of the bigger tumour and within a few days, confirmation – ductal carcinoma – Grade 3. \u00a0We were told to expect surgery, at least.<\/span><\/p>\n

The following day we received a call from the Breast Cancer Clinic some 50km’s away with a <\/span>consultation appointment within a week.<\/span><\/p>\n

There it is. Our past month.<\/span><\/p>\n

What this doesn’t share is the human stuff… the living stuff. \u00a0The navigating in the shadow of a catastrophic diagnosis and the interpersonal and relational aspects which fill the spaces of life to overflowing. \u00a0So much so, you wonder if you can possibly carry it or if you will be simply crushed by the weight <\/span>of it.<\/span><\/p>\n

I know we are not the first to receive this kind of news, nor will we be the last. \u00a0So here, from time to time I will <\/span>share some of our (my experiences) of walking with my beloved, through this. \u00a0There is much that could be shared but today I want to share some of my experience.<\/span><\/p>\n

Let me start with our walk last week. \u00a0We went for a walk \u00a0– to talk, share our fears, our hopes and to steal a few chuckles on what I’m sure casual observers may consider fairly dark <\/span>humour. \u00a0 In one of the less graceful moments, I said “I feel like my resources are significantly limited. Like I don’t have enough. \u00a0Like I am a cistern, with a limited amount of water. \u00a0 I feel like I need every drop to support you (my beloved) and our sons (27, 23 and 13). \u00a0I’m afraid… \u00a0I am afraid that I don’t have enough for the other folks who may also be looking for support from me.”<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

I get it. \u00a0 This is definitely a place for healthy boundaries. \u00a0 It is also a place to recognize my own need for self-care and support. \u00a0I also recognized something else. \u00a0Something far more acute. \u00a0In the horror of these circumstances, I had closed my heart in an effort to protect myself and my family \u00a0(I unconsciously rationalized). I felt the need to isolate.<\/span><\/p>\n

This looked like being very careful (can we say strategic?) with whom we tell, and a request that they do not share it widely, and for the love of God, keep it off social media! \u00a0I expressed to them that we recognized that each of them had other supports in their life and they were most welcome to share it with them, just that it was not for public consumption.<\/span><\/p>\n

With each conversation with this inner circle of family, the mulch of my gutted heart was made painfully clear to me, along with how utterly helpless I was to do anything to fix my beloved’s body. \u00a0The writer to the Ephesians talks about spiritual warfare and uses tongue in cheek analogies to describe such but at the end, he talks about when you have done everything you can – to stand. \u00a0To be present. \u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

It is <\/span>untenable to just stand when the love of your life is seriously ill.<\/span><\/p>\n

That sounded too sterile.<\/span><\/p>\n

Let me try again.<\/span><\/p>\n

It is FUCKING agonizing that all I can do is stand!<\/span><\/p>\n

I realize that this hasn’t been my M.O. my entire life. \u00a0I am learning and working towards surrender, holding space and being present but <\/span>honestly, I have always tried harder, worked harder, got smarter, negotiated, manipulated, and perhaps cheated some ugly things in life. \u00a0 I believed, maybe as a necessary lie. that there was always a way through. \u00a0And I know from many, many hours with many, many people through some of the most horrific situations of life that there isn’t always a way through. \u00a0That no matter how smart, hard-working, sincere, loving, clever – there isn’t always a way through.<\/span><\/p>\n

Closing my heart meant I began to isolate. \u00a0I realized I was reluctant to tell people outside of those I absolutely had to. \u00a0Friends. Good friends, faithful, forgiving friends – I couldn’t bring myself to share our news with. \u00a0I was afraid. \u00a0I was afraid that:<\/span><\/p>\n