{"id":2736,"date":"2011-05-09T19:41:07","date_gmt":"2011-05-10T02:41:07","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/iamsignificant.ca\/?p=2736"},"modified":"2018-08-01T22:48:32","modified_gmt":"2018-08-01T22:48:32","slug":"sex-scandal-healthy-boundaries-for-healthy-leaders-communities","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/iamsignificant.ca\/home\/significant-sustenance\/sex-scandal-healthy-boundaries-for-healthy-leaders-communities\/","title":{"rendered":"SEX SCANDAL: Healthy Boundaries for Healthy Leaders &amp; Communities"},"content":{"rendered":"<p><span style=\"font-family: helvetica, arial, sans-serif;\">I was alarmed to hear of another church leader struggling with his sexuality.\u00a0 The leader is a young married man working with youth. \u00a0I was made aware of the situation through someone I work with who is processing some of the thoughts and feelings around her sister being manipulated and inappropriately touched by this leader.\u00a0 I have her permission to share this with you.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-family: helvetica, arial, sans-serif;\">It is <\/span>heart-breaking<span style=\"font-family: helvetica, arial, sans-serif;\"> to hear of these situations but even more so the voice of the victims.\u00a0 The leader has admitted to the youth in his group that when caught up in the &#8220;passion of godly love for them he just wants to kiss them&#8221; &#8211; the girls that <\/span>is<span style=\"font-family: helvetica, arial, sans-serif;\">.\u00a0 His hugs towards the girls have been front hugs and what observers have noticed have seems like an inappropriate amount of time.\u00a0 Other behaviors include a \u201cgame\u201d where the girls (not the boys) are placed in a \u2018sleeper hold\u2019 (a wrestling hold) by this leader until they pass out.\u00a0 I think without me going into any more of the gory details we get the idea <strong>there is something very unhealthy happening.<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-family: helvetica, arial, sans-serif;\">People have been noticing this and after several months of this behavior, people are beginning to speak out.\u00a0 They are doing so fearfully &#8211; fearful that by confronting this issue it will cause division and may split the church.<\/span><\/p>\n<p>In addition, the fear of confronting<em> God\u2019s anointed<\/em> (code word for the pastor<span style=\"font-family: helvetica, arial, sans-serif;\">) and the general taboo surrounding sex in many Christian traditions <\/span>have<span style=\"font-family: helvetica, arial, sans-serif;\"> allowed this horrendously inappropriate behavior to continue\u00a0far too long.<\/span><\/p>\n<p>Let&#8217;s<span style=\"font-family: helvetica, arial, sans-serif;\"> keep one thing in perspective right away!\u00a0 Our testimony to the world is love, and anything, especially in the church <strong>that is contrary to love <\/strong>must<strong>\u00a0be addressed<\/strong>.\u00a0 T<strong>o put the well-being of the church institution before the well-being of our children (&amp; women) is a crime of the highest order.<\/strong> \u00a0In fact, Jesus spoke hyperbolically about a millstone and the deep blue sea.<\/span><\/p>\n<p>Marie Fortune in her book <a title=\"Link to Amazon\" href=\"http:\/\/www.amazon.com\/Nothing-Sacred-Sexually-Congregation-Destroyed\/dp\/1556358628\/ref=pd_sim_b_1\"><span style=\"text-decoration: underline;\">Is Nothing Sacred? When sex invades the Pastoral Relationship<\/span><\/a> writes of all institutions:<\/p>\n<blockquote><p><span style=\"font-family: helvetica, arial, sans-serif;\">\u201c<strong>An institution acts first to what it perceives\u00a0 to be its self interest.\u00a0 Seldom does it identify its self interest to be the same as those it is supposed to serve.\u201d<\/strong><\/span><\/p><\/blockquote>\n<p><span style=\"font-family: helvetica, arial, sans-serif;\">In a dramatic <\/span>sense<span style=\"font-family: helvetica, arial, sans-serif;\"> it reveals a spirit of <a title=\"Link to Wikipedia on Moloch\" href=\"http:\/\/en.wikipedia.org\/wiki\/Moloch\">Moloch<\/a><\/span>\u00a0,where<span style=\"font-family: helvetica, arial, sans-serif;\"> we are willing to sacrifice our children and those most vulnerable to protect our institutions.\u00a0 <strong>Harsh?\u00a0 Strong?<\/strong> <span style=\"text-decoration: underline;\"><strong>Absolutely.<\/strong><\/span> but it needs to be.\u00a0<strong> For the Church to be the Church love must \u201crule\u201d and love demands injustice must be confronted.<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n<blockquote><p><span style=\"font-family: helvetica, arial, sans-serif;\"><strong>A loving God will never condone the unloving, unjust behavior of any person regardless of position.<\/strong><\/span><\/p><\/blockquote>\n<p><span style=\"font-family: helvetica, arial, sans-serif;\">To confront the offender is necessary for a couple of reasons; To protect the victims (and others) from further victimization and provide opportunities for healing for the victim(s) and yes, the offender.\u00a0 This needs to be done by professionals along with a caring, supportive community.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-family: helvetica, arial, sans-serif;\">It is also an opportunity to revisit your abuse policies, protocols and critically examine how it failed, and to fix it!<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-family: helvetica, arial, sans-serif;\">Many of us who have grown up in the church are uncomfortable talking about sex.\u00a0 The old adage \u201cSex is dirty and bad &#8211; save it for the person you love\u201d has served to shame us about sexuality and has in many cases eliminated any healthy discussion concerning healthy sexual relations.\u00a0 Often, under the veil of <\/span>shame<span style=\"font-family: helvetica, arial, sans-serif;\">, this leads to sexual <\/span>brokenness<span style=\"font-family: helvetica, arial, sans-serif;\"> in which one struggles with &#8220;a dirty little secret\u201d until it is often acted upon in an unhealthy way.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-family: helvetica, arial, sans-serif;\"><strong>Healthy Christian spirituality will seek to bring wholeness to a person &#8211; this includes body, soul, and spirit.\u00a0<\/strong> A healthy perspective on the body can bring a great deal of health to our faith and part of a holistic Christian spirituality includes a healthy, evidenced informed view of sex and sexuality.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-family: helvetica, arial, sans-serif;\">Organizationally, however, there are a few steps we can take to acknowledge the potential for sexuality misconduct on the part of our leaders.\u00a0 Establish healthy boundaries which can be a support for our leaders and congregants alike and have a clear process for dealing with situations which occur &#8211; God forbid.<\/span><\/p>\n<h2><span style=\"color: #000000; font-family: helvetica, arial, sans-serif;\">A few thoughts of how Churches can be Responsible.<\/span><\/h2>\n<p><span style=\"font-family: helvetica, arial, sans-serif;\">1) Each Church needs to have a written <\/span>policy that<span style=\"font-family: helvetica, arial, sans-serif;\"> addresses the relationship between leaders and those they serve &#8211; most specifically recognizing the imbalance of power which often occurs, and address the issues which contribute to this phenomenon.\u00a0 This policy must provide a point of reference to establish clear, healthy boundaries of conduct for the Pastor and those they serve as well.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-family: helvetica, arial, sans-serif;\">2) When there is a concern raised (<span style=\"text-decoration: underline;\">any<\/span> concern) it must be addressed and the <\/span>church&#8217;s<span style=\"font-family: helvetica, arial, sans-serif;\"> policy of conduct should provide a clear process which includes protecting the accuser and the accused as well as a process of investigation and hearing. A public and clearly defined process to deal with allegations which includes meaningful support for healing for all those involved &#8211; victim and family, pastor and family and the congregation.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-family: helvetica, arial, sans-serif;\">3) Resist the temptation to \u2018sweep it under the rug\u2019.\u00a0 For loves sake, any abuse must be addressed in a deliberate, open and loving manner.\u00a0 This will take courage and affirms the need for a clear plan of action contained within an established policy. \u00a0<strong>The all to <\/strong>common<strong> approach to send the pastor on to another church with a letter of recommendation, and sweep it all under the rug is over!<\/strong><br \/>\n<\/span><\/p>\n<p>4) <span style=\"font-family: helvetica, arial, sans-serif;\">Pastor\/Leader Sexual Abuse is not an <em>internal matter<\/em> to be handled in-house. \u00a0 It must be reported and investigated by local law enforcement and other relevant agencies.<\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"I was alarmed to hear of another church leader struggling with his sexuality.\u00a0 The leader is a young married man working with youth. \u00a0I was made aware of the situation through someone I work with who is processing some of the thoughts and feelings around her sister being manipulated and inappropriately touched by this leader.\u00a0&#8230;","protected":false},"author":4,"featured_media":12460,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[32],"tags":[668,669,43,69,318,321,462,463,553,554],"class_list":["post-2736","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-significant-sustenance","tag-metoo","tag-metoo-churches","tag-abuse","tag-betrayal-of-trust","tag-leaders","tag-leadership","tag-sexual-abuse-by-pastors","tag-sexuality","tag-wholeness","tag-wholeness-brokeness"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v27.6 - https:\/\/yoast.com\/product\/yoast-seo-wordpress\/ -->\n<title>SEX SCANDAL: Healthy Boundaries for Healthy Leaders &amp; 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